Hank has been a bit unhinged since his last birthday.
“Unhinged” cannot possibly be a good omen for his dotage. You see, Hank has become obsessed, and we’re talking more than the usual Hank obsessed, more than the run-of-the-mill Hank unhinging du jour….this is more like OBSESSION, and this is indeed All Caps.
Hank’s even brought Cap into his affliction.
In the terrible presence of cake, Hank becomes what can only be described a maniac. Perhaps you’ve met this kind of maniac before. Perhaps you’ve met such a maniac in the person of The God of Cake:
Well, this is the kind of maniac we’re talking about: scratchy, clawing, wee arms; huge, gnashing teeth. Terrifying.
It all started innocuously enough. Hank loved his three-layer, peanut butter & yam, blueberry & pea-bejeweled crown cake so much. He’d been waiting, waiting, waiting all day long in the kitchen as the cake came into glorious being. He knew. This cake was his. All his. When the big moment finally arrived, the candles were lit, minions were singing, and it all got very nutters very quickly.Hank fell on that glowing, golden crown and ate that puppy in one gigantic, and frankly, disturbing ____? We’re not even sure there’s a word in the English language for it. (It’s probably something you can only say in German.)
However you call it, that cake got gone.
Then Hank demanded another cake. Which he got. The next day. Because he turned 14 after all. Then he demanded another one. And another. Then Hank went beyond-the-beyond and declared that Every Day is Hank’s Birthday since every day is a brand-new milestone for a 14-year old Labrador, and every birthday must be celebrated with cake.
So it began and so it continues. Stay tuned for Cake Rex Part II: Let Him Eat Cake. Please don’t let this happen to someone you love.